So uh...I'm just in a really bad position right now with my personal/family life. I mean, it's been pretty bad for a while, but it really didn't start to get out of control until the past couple weeks, and now it's completely spiraling out of control. My mom is mad at my dad, my dad is mad at my mom, and my parents are both mad at my brother. And then there's me. I'm the only one no one's mad at (or at least nobody has really conveyed their position to me yet) and you'd think that would be the best situation to be in with this scenario, but it's bad in its own light, really. I'm here in the middle, torn between three family members, trying to help but also trying not to make anything worse. Most of the time I just find myself staying out of the way when arguments and whatnot break out, but it really hurts me; it's not something I can possibly ignore.
I don't know, I've just been completely disoriented these past couple weeks as things have gone on. I really wish now more than ever that I didn't live here and I was out on my own. The only reasons I'm not are because I can't legally drive because of how bad my eyes are (on a side note, I saw a new surgeon today and provided nothing gets screwed up, I'll finally have the eye surgery on December 15) and I also don't have a solid job other than hired help every once in a while, so I can't keep any kind of steady income. I can't afford college (I'd already be there if I could) and I know now that my parents aren't going to come to terms to help me out with that one. Not to mention, I'm still not completely "mentally stable," per se. I still have panic and anxiety attacks and even though I'm able to control them much better than ever before, it would still be hard to be completely on my own. Yet, sitting here just watching my family destroy itself doesn't really make the situation any better. It's a vicious cycle.
And even if I was out away from home, this would still be upsetting to me, don't get me wrong. The circumstances would be a little different as I wouldn't be seeing every little action that is leading up to the impending demise, but the fact of my parents getting separated or divorced is still extremely upsetting to me, even at this point. I do believe it's much harder for kids whose parents get divorced when they're younger and in school and stuff, because they have to live in the middle of that for a much longer time. But in my position...I don't know. I am very close to both of my parents and I always have been. And over the years, I have had many close friends whose parents I knew very well also, and one after another, that friend would break the news to me one day and tell me that his or her parents got divorced, and I would be...shocked, really. There's no other word for it. I was just shocked because all of these friends had good living situations and their parents were nice as could be. But all of a sudden, bam. Friend after friend was caught in the middle of a very unexpected divorce for years upon years. And it made me feel so bad, but all the while, I felt lucky that my parents never seemed to have any problems that would push them over the edge. I admit that I had wondered from time to time if this upsetting trend of divorces would eventually effect our family, but I generally dismissed the idea every time.
Clearly, it's inevitable now. I sit here and I just get chills every time I hear yelling or crying, even if I can't make out exactly what's being said (and honestly, I think I'd rather be oblivious). And all the while, I can't help but glance over at a small, heart-shaped frame here on my desk with a picture of my parents in it which they gave to me when I was very little. It seems kind of stupid, maybe even pathetic. I'm sure that most kids by their teenage years would not even have it anymore, or if they did, they'd mindlessly replace the picture with one of them and their own love interest. I never had the heart to do that. That frame has not changed in the nineteen years that I've had it. But looking at it now, I kind of feel like...maybe part of me is in denial. Maybe part of me still wants to believe that this is just a normal feud and after a while, everyone apologizes and everything's back to normal. But the logical part of me knows that's bullshit.
I no longer have any immediate family member or friend that I can go to at any time and confide in them. I have to say something to someone, though, so I guess that's why I've reduced myself to shelling out personal feelings and situations publicly on the internet where anyone can see them. But to be honest, I don't care, as long as someone's listening..