Saturday, January 30, 2010

The same problems I've been having for years

I think it's time for one of my infamous long, over-thought blog posts. As always, it's mainly just for me to get my thoughts out in some sort of organization so bear with me here.
I guess I overthink everything I do. ...You know what, no, not "guess." "Know" is the appropriate word. If you've been following me for a while you've probably heard me say this multiple times before, but every time I think of an idea for something, I try to hop on it and I get all excited about it, but when the time comes to actually draw or animate the project, whatever it may be, I find that I just cannot bring myself to do it. Suddenly I'm tired of it, unmotivated...I don't know. It's not that I don't enjoy animating. But it's like there's this force where I sit down to work and I literally can't even make my hand pick up the pen. I don't know what it is. Sometimes I wonder to myself when I feel like this, "maybe I don't really want to be a cartoonist at all." That notion is always quickly shot down; I love cartoons, I love drawing, I love animating...I love everything about it, and I don't know where I'd be without it. So if I do indeed love this so much, what is holding me back from doing it? And whenever I don't follow through with something--which is often--I'm always beating myself up over it wondering, "Why didn't I just fucking do it?"
Truth be told, these cartoons...these things that I'm not even obligated to make stress me out so much. I mean, I put that on myself, but this is seriously just about all that I think about, all the time, and I always feel like I'm letting both myself and other people down. Really, I feel like if I were obligated to make cartoons, then I would make them, no question. I don't get it. I have no get-up-and-go. No drive. It's been like that for far too long, for years now, and I think that's what's making me go so nuts. I just want an answer, but there isn't one. It's either you do it or you don't. And I don't.
And I've talked to numerous other people and fellow cartoonists about this. Some suggest to force myself to do it, others suggest try to work on different things. I would love to work on different things. It's not that I'm totally bored of Geoweasel and I don't have any plans of quitting it altogether, but I really want to animate different stuff. But then of course the question is, "Well...why don't you?" There's always one of the following two reasons, if not both: I either feel obligated to finish the current "in progress" episode of Geoweasel, or I have absolutely zero ideas for anything else to animate. I would kill to be like Shmorky or Dan Meth; people who have the drive, the ideas, the talent, and can start making a cartoon from scratch at their whim. Plus I always end up thinking that if I do something that completely stands on its own, either no one will see it or no one would care. And I don't know why I care and don't it. I guess it goes back to obligation again. Like I feel as though people expect me to just do Geoweasel and most people just want me to do that and only that, and I feel like I've made a commitment to...creating a series and I should be tending to it regularly. And even though there's that part of me inside that's screaming at the top of its lungs, "You don't fucking have to!" I still don't do it. What the hell is wrong with me?
At this point I'm even starting to doubt myself on Zane & Flick. And I'll be dead honest with you, I've never had any idea before that's wanted to burst out of me as badly as this one. It's something that I truly think if I don't start telling this story in some shape or form soon, I will seriously go insane. For the time, I've been pretty set on making Zane & Flick a comic series, not animated. (I also feel that it is necessary to point out to those who don't know that Zane & Flick, while it is a series, does have a beginning and end. It's one long story, just told in multiple parts. It's not a series that could just go on indefinitely) But the further I progress in the storyline and the more I figure out who these characters are, I start to think, is this project better suited for animation? Really, it probably is, between the goofy, cartoony designs and the unnatural things that the characters do (particularly Flick), like pulling things out of nowhere, for instance. That is very hard to show in comic form as opposed to animation. But if this is a project that I am to tackle on my own, I do not want to animate it. Why? It's not laziness. It's not that I fear I'll never get it done. I'm afraid of messing it up. If this were to be animated, I would want to have much more experienced people work on it and make it truly amazing. Because that's how this series feels to me. Amazing. And I want it to come out as close to how I imagine it as possible, but I'm just not confident enough in my own skills. I'm going back and forth worrying about stuff like this that shouldn't have even found its way into my head instead of actually working.
And this is why I'm so stressed, anxious, depressed...and the reason I lie awake at night just like Charlie Brown and ask questions into the darkness. Because I'm fucking crazy.

No comments: